The Spearmint Rhino Wank-Clinic Debacle

In a nut shell, this is how this utterly maverick mission unfolded.

1) 21.00: Go for a nice Japanese meal.
2) 21.45 Leave restaurant and walk past a Gentlemen’s club.
3) 21.55 Enter club and get informed we have the incorrect footwear but are able to ‘hire’ the required shoes from reception. Cue the quote, “a couple of size nines yeah” to chimp working reception. A surreal mist descends on proceedings.
4) 22.00 Make crap and unnecessary small talk to a Romanian lap dancer while drinking J2O.
5) 22.05 Realise that Voycee has rounded up a harem of the five hottest chicks in the establishment with the simple command, ‘that’s my friend (me), show him a good time’.
6) 22.10 Face takes a beating from 10 individual breasts and my brain struggles to process any of the ensuing 4 minutes of dreamlike naked pleasure. I give up fighting wood at approx. 1 minute 35.
7) 22.13 A triple decker muff pyramid is constructed in front of me. Brain momentarily appreciates the foundation work before focusing solely on the homage to ancient Egypt.
8) 22.20 Depart Gentlemen’s club.
9) 22.30 Arrive at hospital smelling of midnight sin and covered in glitter.
10) 23.00 Lack energy to purge genitals.
11) 12.10 Let instinct prevail in shower the following morning, unaware of latter fixture.
12) 12.15 Get summoned to wank clinic to deliver sperm sample as chemotherapy precaution, slot booked for 12.30pm.
13) 12.25: Spank bank fails to render any images of sufficient arousal, resort to maximum RPM thrash technique to complete task.
14) 12.30 Desperately milk shaft to try and bulk up the content of mediocre sample, limited success.
15) 12.35 Reflect on the last shambolic evening/morning before sheepishly handing over meagre sample while trying to tilt it at a favourable angle to produce an illusion of increased content.
16) 12.40 Illusion technique failed, hung out in PC world for 10 minutes before questioning what I was doing.