The Breakfast Club League - Where's Yours?

The Ginger Panther

He's the five-time winner of Camberley's prestigious fastest ginger award, twice runner up in the Basingstoke ginger mini tennis league and widely acknowledged as one of the world's leading forces on ginger confectionary. They call him the ginger panther, he's fast.

Rumours of the g’panthers stair climb challenge effort spread around UCHL like wild fire, but really hot wild fire, and more wild. The scheduled ascent time was set for the holy ginger hour of 6.30pm, when all gingers are genetically encoded to unroll a life size poster of Boris Becker pheasant shooting and salute it with a smoked kipper.

The first spanner in the works came when lawyers dissected the small print of the ginger panther's insurance documentation, revealing that he wasn't ensured against sonic booms, and subsequently should he break the sound barrier in the stair well might have to foot the bill for levelling the hospital out of his own pocket, and his outfit notoriously has no pockets.

Concluding one hour of negotiations, the decision was made that the ginger panther would only ascend using 65% effort (the same amount of effort Boris Becker uses during a second serve), reducing, but not elimination the threat of a sonic boom.

When crunch time came, the ginger enigma chocked like a man who'd been told he was eating steak, but then got told it was liver mid-chew, like a sick joke. Not only forgetting to start timing his effort until floor five, the subsequent time, which did not take into account 30% of the challenge, was crap, and probably didn't merit the 4 minutes of floor based recovery while repeatedly chanting 'highest building in the world'.

The ginger panther declined to comment on his dismal effort, but his publicist said he may have been touched by a witch while ordering an omelette the day before.

The leader board remains unchanged.

Hustling Redemption

Famed for setting the absolute base level of the Stair Climb Challenge with a pathetically woeful 03:08:60, Mr. Voyce has finally found redemption. His initial time made him the target of widespread hatred as it largely degraded the human race, further fuelling the debate that stairs carry more consequence than all global religion/badminton based sports.

Leapfrogging to within lunging distance of pole position after a week of gruelling training in Cornwall, Mr Voyce can now rest easy in second place after scaling UCHL towers in 01:50:18, good.

More importantly (but not really, but kind of), Dan's taking on a triathlon around the mean streets of London at the start of August in the name of Leakemia research. Here's your chance to forgo this week's whoring session and back the big man. He's a bloody delicious chap & it's a fine cause.

Hit up www.justgiving.com/djvoyce for his sponsorship page (the link was being a bastard earlier, hopefully it works now). There's a sexual photo of me on there.

Stair Climb Challenge Leader Board 23/06/2009

1st Alex Hopson 01:42:00
2nd Dan Voyce 01:50:18**
3rd Dunc Skehens 01:55:70*

*Shower required after attempt
** Clad in performance enhancing fabric

The Glove Helmet.....Sort Of Didn't Work

As we try to secure a mainstream media deal for the rights to the stair climb challenge, innovation has been rife amongst competitors. Fronting the charge is web/events guru Hugo Lewis (his website www.hugoplanet.com is a must see), whose minimalist approach to web design and online media has been hailed the future of the internet (again, see hugoplanet.com).

In an attempt to record all 16 floors of stair mayhem in glorious motion pictures, Mr Lewis opted to don the newly developed concept helmet, The Glove.

Reverse engineered from the back to the front (which makes it proper fast) in floor 16's lab, The Glove may look like a conventional cycle helmet worn the wrong way around, with a Blackberry mobile phone lashed to the front via a medium size latex glove, however it's not.

Critics of this ground breaking technological advance have been silenced by the simply stunning footage it captured as man (Hugo) battled adversity (stairs). The future just happened.

Hugo Lewis currently sits in 3rd position with a time of 01:59:50. He estimates the down force The Glove Helmet gave him helped reduce his time by up to 7 minutes.

What's More Significant?

With this brief foray into the world of hard hitting journalism, we've discovered that the Volvo 340 is significantly more significant than the Dutch, more significant than Toad Fish's omnipresent presence in Neighbours and slightly more significant than the significance of the former 01:55:70 stair climb challenge record. I've driven two Volvo 340's in my time, they were both marvellous.

Stair Climb Challenge Fisted

Just two days after stairsman Duncan Skehens delivered a clumsy open handed slap to the previous stair climb record, the puckered up backdoor entrance to the UCHL's 16th floor has once again been sodomised.

In this instance it was stair aficionado Alex Hopson's hammer like fist that penetrated the furthest into the sub two minute barrier with a cataclysmic 01:42:00.

Though hindered with a £16.50 Gaucho burger and £7.10 of Haagen Dazs cream based produce in his stomach, apocalypse Hopson convincingly dismissed the previous record while Mr Skehens was forced to look on in wretched disgust.

Though taking on no specific training for the exercise, Mr Hopson is the only (male) athlete to have completed the challenge with shaved legs, an aggressive and sexual look that proved to be devastating.

Stair Climb Challenge Leader Board 19/06/2009

1st Alex Hopson 01:42:00
2nd Duncan Skehens 01:55:70*
3rd Hugo Lewis 01:59:50

*shower required after attempt.

The Half Lazy

The Half Lazy: A sophisticated gentlemen's non-alcoholic beverage that brings you as close to climax as you can get, without actually being anywhere near.

Conceived in the Charlotte Street Blues Bar through a shock collision of lifestyle and flavour, the half lazy is a benchmark in refined mixology. Having been likened to sex on the beach, only with completely different ingredients, and providing a similar level of enjoyment to a mid range super market jam, few words do this zenith of libation justice.

Ingredients:

2 parts fresh orange juice
1 part lemonade
splash blackcurrant cordial
edge (unquantifiable, arbitrary measure of 'edge' normally between 50-70 degrees depending on a incomprehensible number of variables including atmospheric pressure and variations in the FTSE index).

To be delivered no more than exactly halfway to climax, order yours today.